Why has nothing gone right in my life?

I'm feeling so down and sad right now. So alone. I have been physicaly and ualy abused growing up. Went through parents divorces, setbacks, self harm and suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, dealing with a mental illness bipolar, and sometimes deal with homicidal thoughts. Sometimes like now I wonder why I went so wrong. Why I couldn't just be like the other guys having fun, going to college, having a fun time working while over here I have panic attacks anytime i try working, get too anxious and break down when try going to college, and more. Sometimes I just so tired of it. I am so lonely too. I've kept myself from having a g/f because of the way I am (besides no one wants a bum for a b/f) and now its getting to me. Seems no matter how much I try I am overwhelmed again and again by the defeat.